Blog 7: Resilience is in the Repair


We as parents have the capacity to make an enormous difference in our children. What I’m about to write it’s going to be hard to read. Believe me, it was hard to write. To bring freedom from shame, I am going to be very open about my failures as a parent. Resilience in our children isn’t created through perfect parenting but in the repair after relational ruptures.

When a child is born, the interaction between mother and infant literally forms their brain development. This brain development at birth and even while in the mother’s womb is the key to determine whether this new baby will be vulnerable to mental health or addictive behaviors in the future. This isn’t to take genes out of the equation, or take away responsibility for our actions, but to reveal the power environment has on brain development which as we will see.

The brain is developed through our experience. Good experiences lead to a healthy brain. The opposite delays brain development and increases coritsol. Cortisol depletes ability to process emotions, a very important brain function in learning to cope with stress.

“A child needs an attachment relationship with at least one reliably available, protective, psychologically present non stressed adult” – Gabor Mate. Is it just me, or does any parent out there fit that description?? Emotionally nurturing, present, non stressed parents today are hard to find. I know I fall short of this on the daily. Many parents are under enormous pressure to work to be able to live in today’s economy. They come home exhausted from life with sometimes little left to give our young ones. It’s an injustice parents feel in their bones and most would change it in a moment if they could.

Children learn how to handle stress from their parents. We are the ones who help organize our children’s brains. Whoever thought that was a good idea? Most days I miss the mark on this. My children’s younger years consisted of me flying off the handle having no idea what their ADHD brains needed from me. I would send them to their rooms and tell them they could come out when they were ready to be good. I didn’t know any better, as I was just going on how I was raised. I didn’t know that by bringing them closer instead of sending them away, their brains could regulate and be nourished.
Infants need to be picked up, consoled and comforted. This important nurturing teaches their brains to regulate. Predicability in the adult to
manage their environment is key to develop a resilience to how to handle stress when they get older. A child who is stressed as an infant will grow to overreact and will struggle with anxiety.

Having a parent around is not enough. Parents feeling love for their children isn’t enough. Parents can be physically present but not there emotionally. What is needed is attunement. Attunement is being tuned in to your child’s mind and emotional state. Children need to feel understood by their parents. Too many times we as parents are trying to get our children to understand us. A disregulated mind in a child is crying out constantly: help me!
Please understand me and help me sort this out. Don’t judge, criticize or condemn me. Don’t push me away, bring me closer and let me know it’s going to be ok. Don’t look at my outside behavior, look to inside of me. Every parent loves their child deeply. This needs to be expressed through consistent, emotionally stable connection in order for it to be felt by the child. This regulates their brain and develops the prefrontal cortex – the problem solving, reasoning part of of the mind which also holds the ability to empathize. I regret how busy I was in the early years of my first born. I was trying so hard to prove to myself and the world I could be a mom and still be a rock star. My intention towards my son to be the best mother was present, but my distraction spoke volumes to him as well.
You could say we have an epidemic of prefrontal cortex under- development in our society because disregulation is rampant among children today. Empathy isn’t coming natural, children are less flexible. Healthy brain integration needed for love, connection, and motivation depend on the quality of attunement parenting. When a child doesn’t feel secure or is in a consistent stressful environment, the brain doesn’t create what is needed for healthy regulation. The nurture we give as parents will influence how much serotonin the brain develops. Serotonin is needed to balance mood. Research also shows that stressed or depressed parents pass on negative emotional patterns to their children. That one was hard for me to read. When both my children were born, I struggled with depression afterwards. I wasn’t rational sometimes and that caused an inconsistent, stressful environment. I can’t turn back time and make it right. It is what it is. It can be disheartening to read studies such as this, especially when you see the effects in your children like I have. I see the lack of regulation in the prefrontal cortex. My oldest has to take medication to help his serotonin levels.

I remember crying over pages of my research and feeling such shame. But then I heard a voice whisper: “BUT GOD”. I may not be able to mend that season of my life and what I passed to my children but I believe that having faith in Someone greater puts hope back into the equation. Research and science are a gift to know what we need to do to improve our society, but it doesn’t get the final say. Hope restores and makes things right. I have full faith in that. And the decisions I am making now based on this knowledge are making certain my children’s future is full of hope. Nothing is ever final. There is always hope to restore and change things.
What we need is to call parents back to the plate. To take our place as the nurturers in our children’s lives. This hasn’t decreased because parents don’t want to, but because we have no blinkin’ clue HOW to. Not only that, with the absence of a village parents are left to figure all of this out on our own, and we were never meant to.

And remember, resilience doesn’t come from getting this parent thing right, but in the repair when our relationship with our children has experienced a rupture. Saying a genuine “sorry” and making things right, speaking words of blessing and reminding our children of their worth is more than enough and is something we all can do on the daily.

One thought on “Blog 7: Resilience is in the Repair

  1. Michele Morin says:

    When I saw the topic of this post, I rushed right over to read it, because my husband and I are in the beginning stages of preparing a parenting workshop for early next year. One of the things I want to be sure to address is this idea that we have to be perfect in order to ensure (and that word ENSURE is key here) a good outcome for our kids. So many disappointed parents “did all the right things” and their kids crash and burn anyway.
    And . . . so many of us feel guilt over parenting fails.
    So thankful for the grace of God that lubricates all our relationships.


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